So. The National Institutes of Health (NIH) is being questioned about financing a study investigating “whether adolescents who consume alcohol and/or carry firearms, and/or whose daily activities occur in surroundings rich in alcohol and/or firearms, face a differential risk of being shot with a firearm or injured in a non-gun assault.” 

Allow me to save the taxpayers over $600,000 here. The answer is: “Duh…YEAH.” 

Another study under scrutiny (from pro-gun-rights Republicans in Congress, fine, no surprise there) looks at the decision-making process that couples go through when they purchase a firearm. Specifically, whether women are less into of the idea of owning a gun than are their caveman husbands (characterization mine).

Again, a quick call to me or pretty much any other sane person could have saved some taxpayer money. The answer is, again: “Duh…YEAH.”

So I read about these expensive, taxpayer-funded studies and the sarcastic angel of my thoughts said: “Gosh, why would the NIH spend precious grant money on these ridiculous questions when there are things like, I don’t know, cancer to cure, H1N1, Parkinsons disease or, heck, acne?”

Just a guess here, but I think that there are a lot of anti-gun-rights folks in government and politics who would dearly love to have a scientific, government-backed study showing that guns and/or alcohol and/or men and/or access to guns and/or alcohol are all bad, bad, bad. And/or really bad. That kind of thing can, sadly, really light a fire under some rights-restricting legislation.

The angel of fairness that occasionally appears on my left shoulder also piped up on this: “Well, c’mon,” she said. “You’ve read Freakonomics. Maybe the answer is totally the opposite of what you and most people would normally think! Maybe the research will reveal that there is no correlation at all between drunk, gun-toting teens and the young folks who show up in the ER with gunshot wounds!”

Nice try, fair angel, but I’m going with my cynical side this time. A study that revealed a lack of correlation certainly wouldn’t result in legislative initiatives encouraging underage drinking or firearm possession. So this one is pretty much rigged. And you don’t have to be a gun-rights activist to notice, or to be disgusted by it.

This one is worthy of a Saturday Night Live Really!?! With Seth and Amy skit. Someone call Lorne Michaels. 

Jean Card has been a professional writer in Washington, D.C. for more than a dozen years.  Today, she is freelance writing and consulting, full-time. Jean is a native of Vermont and a graduate of Middlebury College. She lives and writes in Alexandria, VA with her husband, a new puppy (adopted from PAWS Rescue of Northern Virginia) and two rather poorly-behaved cats (adopted from AdvoCATS).